It is apparent or so it seems that I am in love again, a complete surprise to me as I never imagined in my craziest of dreams I could be happy again. I have a lot of time on my hands and I am lucky for it. I will get back to the love part again in a little while as my mind goes off on tangents often-known as ADD or as I would call it OVC-over the counter, just an inside joke! –an explanation mark to show I am being funny!
My husband passed away almost three years ago suddenly-we had been happily married and very much in love for eighteen years. In love bound together for our love of “Beat” poetry, me writing and Dave publishing. We were rebels and proud of it, doing everything against the grid-no more need said-should I self-incriminate myself-and I am way too old for prison and am on disability-would a judge look upon me with pity, or look straight at me and think she looks mighty fine to me! That’s my ego setting in-sorry but I say ‘I MAY LOOK GOOD BUT I DON’T FEEL GOOD!” So we stayed under the grid, in the “underground scene.”
Anyway I was devastated when he died. I was in the middle of editing a novel I was writing when he came home suddenly from work and died in my arms. It is cathartic to tell of this, without going into the devastating details of that terrible day of February 1st.
I wallowed in my own sorrow filled with self-pity-a hole so deep and the sides so slippery I couldn’t climb out. There was no light to guide me up the dreadful slope. I was totally alone with my weeping heart balled into my fist. I had to leave that place immediately.
I was alone, although I wouldn’t allow it to sink it. I had been in a coma for four weeks and had a stroke a few years earlier and Dave had nursed me back to health. I had permanent amnesia and a weakened left leg. I was not in a state to live alone-I had never paid a bill, and had always been taken care of.
My daughter took me in for a month and soon after she and my son found me an apartment. They helped me pay my bills and get my life back on track. It was not easy living alone for the first time ever. I was thankful for their help.
I made a good friend in my building and started internet dating just for the heck of it. I am one for adventure and always up for a dare no matter what! I met eleven men in two months, it was hectic to say the least, or is it most? No I did not sleep with them! It was great fun, and I not being afraid invited them all to my apartment! No no-one attacked me, I guess I was lucky!
Some of the men were jerks, one was “gay”-figure that! The black man who came to visit me got “Oh my God” explanations from the old ladies in the lobby as he walked his way with me down to my apartment. But the experience was fun and I loved it! All these men were fodder for my writing. I was fascinated and thrilled. That was my inspiration, and without inspiration I am nothing and miserable.
My final date was a handsome Indian man with gorgeous brown skin and heavily lidded brown eyes that made me melt when he looked at me. We made love that night and it was beautiful and intense-I grew to like him an awful lot and soon he became a fixture in my life.
Meanwhile I felt my kids growing resentment toward helping me, although both in good financial positions-I couldn’t have been that much of a burden. They gradually pulled away from me. They knew nothing of the new man in my life.
Soon my kids abandoned me and my grandchildren were no longer allowed to visit, since I am a hippies, which of course they knew, they disapproved of my posters and artwork, thinking my grandchildren would be influenced. They had visited Dave and I many times and there was never a question about the looks of my apartment. I am an artist too and my place is filled with my collages and folk art.
They were fed up with giving me assistance and helping me pay my bills from my own money, none the less! I was given the “heave ho” booting me out of my apartment, dumping my bills and personal papers in a box on the back porch like trash-their lies like rampant locusts infested fields. My daughter a “Born again Christian” with a snarled face-
My children, son and daughter those who I bore and raised with love, so filling my heart it would almost burst. Oh how I protected those children, guarding them under my wing until they grew and were able to thrive on their own. We no longer talk-a bitter taste in my mouth.
I was dumped on the street with no place to live. I no longer talk to my two children, and know it will be forever. My lost love took a back seat to these goings on-anger creates bitterness and it over powers one.
With the help of my new boyfriend he helped me move out. I found new digs in a small Victorian town on the Delaware..
When I moved in and was eventually on my own paying my own bills, after my boyfriend set me up to be more self-sufficient-I worked at getting my brain back in order, as best I could, a work still in progress!
My children don’t know where I live and the contact is gone forever-which I can handle although occasionally I feel certain sadness, but I am not the guilty party. I am innocent of all charges Judge!
My mind is at ease now. I am finally free of all family pressures. I am clear of all unfounded hatred; in my case I best call it anger as hatred can make one insane.
Now, getting back to “What is love?” I would say “I dunno.” Love came into my life again, although each love is different from another, it did come to me, my boyfriend and I see each other often and from being close and having a lot in common we fell in love.
When I am with him I feel loved and I feel my heart quiver. We will be together despite some obstacles, we have whispered so after making love that we’ll be there for each other, and I believe that-I believe that fairy tales can come true. For without hope comes certain despair.