COUPLE OF CLICHES
Ralph was sitting at the kitchen table when Arlene came in. He was reading the sports page, just sitting there. She put her hands on her hips with an indigent look on her face.
“How long have you been sitting there? Why do you wait for me to put the coffee maker on when you are down here while I am in the shower? I would like to come down and just pour myself a cup of coffee. You’re as lazy as a sloth!”
He took the blow of words and knew there would be more. She slapped his ruddy face, making it redder than ever. It stung like a bee. He rose from the blue checkered table, leaving the paper all crumpled up and filled up the coffee maker. She was tying a yellow apron around her bulky waist, huffing and puffing with exasperation
“You’re as big as a house woman.”
“And you have a face like a busted couch.” She said.
She ignored him, she had learned to. Ever since he retired from the Beef Jerky factory, he was driving her nuts. She hadn’t seen her Soap Opera in almost two years and missed having coffee at her neighbor Jane Walker’s house.
“If you aren’t the lead dog the view will never change” said Ralph standing there in his ratty faded blue boxers.
“I see your salami sticking out. Put it away before I make a citizen’s arrest.”
He bellowed with laughter his big round belly giggled like a bowl of Jell-O.
“Do you want some Arlene?”
“No you are sloppy as a soup sandwich, look at yourself, and see what I see every day in, and every day out. Get that shitting grin off your face.”
“You are one Taco short of a combination platter.” He yelled spilling his coffee as she handed it to him. She yelled back “The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.”
“Good one Ralphie and you are as scared of me as a long haired cat in a room filled with rocking chairs.”
“I worked my fingers to the bone, and you are wound tighter than a spring.”
“Well Ralph you have one foot on a banana peel and the other in the grave. Are you still munching on those Beef Jerky’s you have hidden in the garage? You smell like them.”
He opened the door to pick up the milk bottles off the stoop. There across the street was Mrs. Zinger looking at him.
“What are you staring at Zinger? Don’t get your panties all rolled up in a wad.”
“Don’t get all postal on me, Zinger.”
“You are as ugly as a mud fence, you wrinkled old prune.”
“You are the brightest crayon in the box.” She screamed. She had leaned her “comebacks” from them over the years, but couldn’t sustain the borage of insults Arlene came out joining Ralph in the shouting match.
“You never met a donut you never liked.” Arlene yelled.
“You look like a bulldog chewing on a wasp” Said Ralph.
“I wish you both a death from a thousand ants.”
“I second that, and pass it back to you.”
“You are a few French fries short of a happy meal.” Screamed Arlene.
Zinger turned on her heels and went back in, almost foaming at the mouth.
Ralph and Arlene went in laughing; their fight was over till tomorrow.
He put his arm around her and said “Want to make some whoopee woman
“You’re thinking with the right salami
They climbed the stairs arm in arm, and she said “I want a hot beef injection.”
He liked that one!